May 21, 2009

Should We Believe Them? Bishop (Takes) Preachers And Moolah Moolah

If the only thing that matters is what some of them have been saying, the following is what takes place in Heaven each Monday Morning.

And if you didn't know any better you would believe that someone is on the take!

In a room that is similar to the New York Stock Exchange, traders are busy running around trying to determine two things, how much money was raised worldwide and how many new members recently joined the worldwide groups of Christian churches during the past week, especially on this past Sunday, a rare fifth Sunday in the month.

You see, each Sunday God calls for an accounting report from all worldwide ministries that is to be turned in the following morning. This report is to show God just how many new members joined from week to week. And God wants to know how much money was raised over this past week. I can just see the sad look on God’s face when he learned that receipts were down, even though memberships were up. God wondered: where is the money?

Now instead of 40Zbillion, Trillion, Trillion being raised in Christian Churches on earth last week, the tally came closer to 39Zxbillion, Trillion, Trillion dollars, and heaven received only a paltry sum of the total amount raised. God was upset!

But in fact God wasn’t as upset about the number of new members that joined the roles, for like the ministers on earth he realized that the amount received is more important than head count, in other words its all about ‘The Caesars’. But where, God thought, is the rest of the money? Not even God could see where the money was going!

Sadly, God had no other choice but to send down a heavenly host of angels from the Heavenly Gate Trading Floor, to question and defrock millions of ministers on the earth. To these ministers, the angels explained that the tokens that God gave them to begin their ministries with had been misused. They were also told that even though the worldwide recession had impacted giving, still the ministers could have taken what they were given up front to pray for people(seed money), and garnered some interest with those donations.

You see, there were other mega ministers waiting in the wings (no pun intended) for their chance to win souls, I mean bring dollars to the Lord.

Bishop Takes boldly decided to speak up, so he alone went and stood before God and said, Texas is a big state and we do big things in Texas, however, we have been hit hard as well by the current economic crises. Bishop Takes said, I donated one of my luxury vehicles and garnered a tax write off in order to demonstrate my sincerity and that money was given to the ministry.

God said, Bishop Takes, there is no excuse, and that he and other ministers needed to come up with more creative ways of fleecing the flock for after all Bishop Takes, God said, weren't you the one that said that "my church is a business"? Bishop Takes was given 90 days to raise more moolah, or he would loose his position as Supermega Minister of the Worldwide Christian Federation of Mega Mega Moolah Moolah Ministries.

Dollar Bishop was pleased because secretly he always felt that his ministry was superior to that of Bishop Takes, even when both men pretended, in public, to be friends. Bishop Ong, friends of both men tried to appease the situation and offered his counsel. Bishop Ong suggested that both ministers convene a joint Revival and raise more money than has ever been raised in the history of mankind.

The Revival he said could be called The Mega Mega Moolah Moolah Revival Conference. He went on to say that an unprecedented admission fee to attend the event would be 2 mega megas per person. Anyone who couldn’t come up with 2 mega mega’s was told to stay home!

Bishop Ong also recommended an entertainment venue for MMMMRC that would include 'The Mega Mega Moolah Moolah Land Choir', featuring their latest hit single 'Moolah in Boolah Land'. Comedian Weave Harvey would provide 'G' Rated comedic entertainment each evening. Other entertainers would include Christian rappers and steppers, along with modestly attired dancing girls in bikinis known as 'Christian Girls Gone Wild'.

Bishop Williard of New Land Jersey called to endorse the idea but needed clarification about Boolah Boolahs. In New Land Jersey they do not have Boolah Boolahs, in fact they have lost all of their Moolah Moolahs, the new governor and his new revitalization/stimulus programs notwithstanding. However, there was a typing error on the memorandum that Bishop Williard received, it should have read Moolahs and not Boolahs.

God listened and chimed in, you men have 90 days to come up with more moolahs, boolahs or super boolahs, call it what you will. God also wanted more members added who could give until it hurt, and suggested new giveaway campaigns, for example for every new member that joined one of the federated churches, they would receive coupons to be special guests at events like the Mega Mega Moolah Moolah Ministry Revival Conference. And, of course they would be required to bring their checkbooks, gold cards, welfare EBT Cards and SSI monthly payments along with them.

Word has it that the idea caught on for even though the members of these ministries and the unsuspecting public were loosing their homes; unable to keep up with the cost of living and their kids were being forced out of school because their parents couldn’t afford tuition, the Members of Moolah Moolah and Boolah Boolah Land Churches, decided, that they would still have to give sacrificially.

This was significant given that most of their members were already giving over 50% of their annual incomes to the Moolah Churches, and still most of these people chose to move outdoors with the growing number of American homeless so that they could support the Mega Moolah Moolah Ministries event. Even women who wanted to be loosed did not want to be loosed from their fiduciary responsibility, they wanted to give until it hurt. And hurt it did!

We will have to check back in 90 days from now to see whether God was pleased with the amount of Boolahs or Moolahs that were raised, or the number of new members that were added to Boolah Boolah Land for God wants the membership of Moolah Churches to grow, and for more money to be raised. One has to wonder, whatever does God do with all that Moolah?

Bishop Takes and friends had a lot to do for God did not appear to be pleased that not enough members were being added daily to the ministry or that enough Moolah Boolah or even Zoolah was being raised.

And word has it that some old school minister was trying to get into the conference for half-price, sadly he was turned away. The fact of the matter is that Simon the Sorcerer of scripture couldn't afford to purchase salvation or to attend Mega Moolah Moolah!

How much moolah does it take, I wonder, to save a soul?

Prologue: The scene shifts to heaven at the winding up of the Mega Moolah Moolah Revival Fest, and God was not happy. Bishop Takes and the rest of the ‘underTakers show up and stand before God; it is judgment day. God asks, and what is this that I see where all of you have ‘taken in members and enormous sums of money’, however, that such a small amount of your leftovers have been sent to Heaven?

Bishop takes explained that after he got ‘his take’, and the rest of the ‘underTakers' got their takes, that there was not a whole lot left over.

God was angry and replied, then go and sell all that you have your bling bling, and your other luxury automobiles, rings, properties, airplanes, chefs, studios, TV Programs, personal pilots, masseuses, stylists, manicurists, chauffeurs…, and give what you have, sacrificially, to the Kingdom of God yourselves.

Bishop Takes and the rest of the ‘underTakers’, went away very sad when they heard this!

The moral of the story is that in this life there are givers and there are takers. And it is sad how much has been given to the takers, by the givers who can't really afford to do so. We are going to have to replace religion, as Jesus did in his time on earth, with something else. Too many of today's religious leaders, not just Bishop Takes, Ong and Dollar are fleecing the flocks! By the way, what is the cost of the seed offering to get prayed for or to receive a blessing today? I hear that there are some people out there who need to be prayed for. I wonder if they can afford prayer?

Love, Peace & Grace
Rev. C. Solomon

Addenda: And if there is a moral to this story it would be, should our ministers continue to behave like greedy American corporate barons? Clearly ‘American Capitalist Church Syndrome’, a phrase that I coined and adapted to a sermon and preached in Monterey California, is alive in well in a faction of our American Christian churches. God’s model would be different, for even if large sums of money were raised in a legitimate faction, the monies would be used to lift America’s permanent underclass, not to purchase luxury homes, cars, vehicles, trips …for the clergy!

Two important closing announcements:

The Ebangel Church of Maryland came up with a new and creative way to meet their financial commitment for MMMMRC. Word has it that they used their heads and decided to acquire a liquor license for their Family Life Center Ministry so that additional revenue could be raised for the Mega Moolah Moolah Moolah Conference, and the idea worked.

Not only was Ebangel able to raise more than its share of Moolah Moolah, there was enough leftover to pay for detox programs for members of their flock who consumed too much of the oogle!

Final Announcement: Muslim prisoners, members of the Nation of Islam have been complaining lately because their wealthy spiritual leader who resides in a Mansion refuses to put any money on their prison books so that they can purchase coffee or cigarettes!

Caveat: God could be pleased with what appears to me to be irresponsible nonsense, but read my sermon entitled American Capitalist Church Syndrome/

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